I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
