Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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