I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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