break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
