my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
