K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
