i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
