I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My day in three words: secret purse cake
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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