Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
