Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
