turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
