There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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