Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize