When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
