You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize