I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
