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• (806): View more from Texas

  A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...

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• (678): View more from Georgia

  What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.

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• (734): View more from Michigan

  i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.

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• (514): View more from Quebec

  Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.

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• (857): View more from Massachusetts

  It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.

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• (907): View more from Alaska

  i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.

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• (646): View more from New York

  Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.

  (347): View more from New York

  Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!

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• (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point

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• (513): View more from Ohio

  Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.

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• (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.

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• (571): View more from Virginia

  I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.

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• (253): View more from Washington

  I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted

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• (650): View more from California

  We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.

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• (423): View more from Tennessee

  She used to be cute, back when we were young.

  (276): View more from Virginia

  Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.

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• (636): View more from Missouri

  Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok

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