Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
