I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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