My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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