Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
