as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
