Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she told me i tasted like america
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize