Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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