I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
