Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
