Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Randomize
