Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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