I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
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