you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
