just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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