Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Randomize
