In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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