Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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