And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
