Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
My vagina is officially offended.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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