cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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