How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
