I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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