put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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