I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
