two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
