I just cut my nipple shaving
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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