The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
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