hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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