I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
