wanna go halves on a baby?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
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