He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
