I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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