wanna go halves on a baby?
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
