Fine. I'll sleep in my office
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Michael Bay diarrhea
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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