Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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