Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
