Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
