We got so high we made milksteak
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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