you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Randomize
