mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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