At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
