I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize
