I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
there's paper in my vomit.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
